The Relationship During the Toddler Years – Ten Key Points

When expecting a baby, most people think a lot about the birth and the things they’ll need to buy. Once the baby arrives, it quickly becomes clear that life with a newborn is a completely new phase, in every way. The toddler years, with less sleep, more complicated routines, and generally significant challenges, naturally impact your relationship as well. There’s less time for each other and for oneself.

Statistics show that as many as 30 per cent of all parents with young children separate. That’s a high figure, considering how many separations might be avoided through better communication. Here are some tips that can provide you and your partner with some keys to overcoming the challenges and keeping your love strong through the trials.

1. Talk to Each Other
Life with toddlers can prove unexpectedly difficult to handle. The first key is to simply talk about what’s happening, how it feels, and how it affects you both. Talking is partly a skill that requires effort at different stages. Start during pregnancy and share what you’re feeling and perhaps worrying about. Discuss expectations and consider possible scenarios and how to handle conflicts. Talk about your views on parenting, how you were raised, and how that may influence you. Creating a shared awareness through conversation and working out a strategy together can greatly benefit your relationship.

2. Make Communication a Habit
The second key is to keep talking regularly throughout the baby and toddler years. And not just about the difficult things – celebrate your progress too and try to see the humour in various situations. Your relationship has entered a new phase where you share both highs and lows, and the lows aren’t dangerous; they’re a natural part of life. Strengthen your bond by making communication a routine, even scheduling these moments if needed. Create a little bubble where you work on your partnership and grow stronger with each conversation, even if you don’t always agree. The attitude that these talks are "your thing" will give you strength moving forward.

3. Adjust Your Expectations
The third key is to adjust your expectations and understand what’s realistic to expect from your partner, yourself, and your relationship. When feeling frustrated, remind each other that this stage won’t last forever. Try to enjoy the beautiful moments and take the challenging ones with a pinch of salt. With the right expectations, everything becomes easier.

4. Nurture the Little Things
No relationship maintains itself; it requires maintenance, active listening, and a willingness to contribute. The fourth key is to see your romantic relationship as something you need to care for and invest energy into. During the toddler years, there will be less time for yourselves as a couple, but that doesn’t have to be negative. The most important things aren’t the occasional date nights or grand gestures. It’s the small everyday actions that become little gems strengthening your bond. Smiling, asking a curious question, being generous, and saying “thank you” are worth more than you think. Listen to your partner’s needs and think about the little things you can do more often. If you both make an effort in the small ways, your relationship might even become stronger than before having children.

5. Plan Breaks and Do Enjoyable Things
Think early about who might be willing to babysit and talk to them, even during pregnancy. You will need rest, no matter how skilled you become at everything else. The fifth key is, if possible, to try and spend time outside the house now and then doing enjoyable, perhaps romantic things together. It strengthens your bond and provides a well-deserved break from the chaos at home. Try to talk about things other than the baby during these moments. You may need to prepare topics in advance to avoid getting stuck in the usual talk. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t feel completely spontaneous, as long as you have a pause where you reconnect.

6. Do Things for Yourself
The sixth key is to take responsibility for your well-being and recharge your own batteries. This makes you a “better” partner and helps you manage more. Talk things over and give each other time to do things on your own. Exercise, meet friends, visit a museum, or just sleep. If life is hectic, ask for help with childcare. Taking care of yourself is an investment in both your parenting and your relationship.

7. Think Long-Term
It’s beneficial for your relationship to set goals and dream about adventures, travels, or even just the next meal out at a cosy restaurant. The seventh key is to dream and think about things you want to do together in the future. During the toddler years, “the future” might mean next week or month. Knowing you’re working towards something enjoyable can make difficult moments more bearable.

8. Involve Each Other
The eighth key is to avoid an unequal division of responsibilities at home and with the child. It’s easy for one person to take on more and become the “boss” at home. To avoid drifting apart because of this, invite each other to participate in the activities and chores you handle the most. Let your partner do things their way, without unsolicited advice or instructions. Both of you should share the parenting equally, which means giving each other space and taking initiative.

9. Prioritise and Plan
Life with toddlers, especially if you have more than one, often involves complex logistics. The ninth key is to develop a planning and prioritisation system to create space for more than just routines. Good planning reduces chaos and makes it easier to have fun as a family and couple. Check in regularly to discuss how you’re doing. Remember to express your needs and preferences; don’t expect others to read your mind or interpret your needs without being told.

10. Seek Balance and Acceptance
The tenth and final key is finding balance. Accepting that life is currently messy, exhausting, or whatever you feel can help you find calm amidst the chaos. Make an extra effort to be kind to each other and share the workload. Balance during the toddler years involves intentionally creating a manageable mix of family time, alone time, and couple time. By communicating along the way and accepting that your relationship will be tested, you can avoid the traps that threaten it. Be attentive to each other and keep working on your love. It evolves over time and in different situations, but it’s strong when you give it the chance to grow.